Just heard a bit on the Brian Lehrer Show about kids (and adults) being picky eaters. I have to admit to a character flaw when it comes to so-called picky eaters: I have absolutely zero patience for them. Eating with them actually makes me angry. I can't help but see them as killjoys.
And yes, it probably goes back to childhood...
Growing up, my sister and I happily ate anything mom put in front of us. Mom knew her way around the kitchen well enough that the family dinner was often one of the day's highlights. She was a picky eater herself, but willing to cook beyond her personal taste to please my more adventurous father. (She still cringes at the memory of the man feeding me pickled herring as I sat in the high chair). She had her limits, though: dad had to keep the Limburger cheese in the garage. The problem was my two younger siblings, who were very fussy as kids (not so as adults, and I love them both dearly). My sister and I would be scarfing down Lima beans, brussel sprouts and the like, while our younger siblings took the very existence of such foods as a personal affront. Mom, whose own dear father was what they called a "meat and potatoes" guy back in the day (what a euphemism!), bent over backwards to accommodate them.
And it drove me nuts.
First off, the person next to you saying, "Yuck!" and pushing their plate away throws a wet blanket over the whole meal. One of the nicer family moments of the day suddenly has to be all about them in a negative way? It didn't seem like a classy move, to me, even as a child. Then there was watching mom scramble to get something in front of them that they actually would eat. We were kids, not angels, and none of us (self included) showed our parents the kind of consideration that in retrospect we've come to know they deserved. Such is life, but having mom cook something else after she'd already prepared a meal seemed a little over the top to me. (Mom didn't seem to mind so much; she understood). From where I sat it looked like taking advantage of her. Finally there was a matter of self-interest. Mom started dumbing her cooking down for my fussy siblings. Dinners at the homes of Italian family friends made this clear. When we moved to Montreal and found ourselves surrounded by flavors from around the world it came into even higher relief. And it made me resentful - not so much toward my siblings, but at what they were doing to my mother's cooking. They were screwing with MY diet!
(Fortunately my then-fussy brother, who is now an arguably better cook than I am, led to the family to discovering Cantonese food right around that time. Even the fussiest of us were - and still are - powerless to resist).
By the time I was out on my own I sought out every bold exotic flavor I could find. Thankfully I have yet to grow out of this, and am married to a woman of equally adventurous tastes.
But I'm left with this character flaw. Whenever someone starts talking about what foods they do and do not eat it's like they're painting a target on themselves. I'm not talking about people with medical, religious or ethical prohibitions. I'm talking about people who have their little lists of Stuff They Don't Like and Refuse to Eat. To each his own, but I don't want to eat with such people. I'm not sure I even want to associate with them. Simply put, they test my otherwise reasonably well-developed tolerance. Understanding this is my issue, not theirs, is no help. I can barely contain the desire to strike out as they drain the joy away from a meal or even a conversation about food.
I've always considered food phobias to be psychological. They are also cultural. Many English and Americans have trouble with cilantro. They complain it tastes like soap, yet people who grew up eating the stuff rarely have a similar complaint. A current theory about this is that the developing brain categorizes items as food and non-food. The taste of cilantro is close enough to that of soap that someone who comes across the stuff after those categories have been established has to deal with their brain recoiling in horror over what it recognizes as eating soap! Research suggests the brain can be re-trained through desensitization, but for many that's more than they're willing to face. Understandable. Childhood is the time to prepare a person for a lifetime of good eating.
Many parents will point out the impossibility of this. Some kids are just fussy, and it's wrong to turn the dinner table into a battleground. I agree... sort of. It's obvious some people are more likely to be picky than others, but I think how those around them react to that determines whether they become someone with preferences or tyrants at the table. How much tyranny is acceptable IS a matter of culture. A friend told me a story that illustrates this point.
My friend is Irish. He grew up a meat and potatoes guy, just like my grandfather. That's perfectly acceptable there - it's practically the norm. (Many Irish consider rice exotic). His wife happens to be French. So when their families got together for a celebration in France, he noticed a vivid contrast between the French and Irish children at the table. The French children happily ate everything put in front of them, including snails, stinky cheeses and all manner of vegetables. The Irish children burst into tears at the sight of the meal, baffling their French in-laws.
He also noticed a difference in the reaction of the parents. The Irish parents had great trepidation over each food presented to their children. Whenever the kids turned their noses up at something they offered them an alternative, often frozen pizza. To be blunt, they expected their kids to be picky, were visibly anxious about it, then rewarded it with pizza. Most kids would trade a plate of veggies for pizza if they had the option. Hell, I would have, and I wasn't even a fussy eater. The French parents, on the other hand, presented foods to their children as "le bon this" and "le bon that." Something good and special the children were getting the chance to try. The parental expectation was clearly that the children would understand they were being given the chance to participate in something wonderful. Turning your nose up at something was unthinkable - this is a celebration, and everything here is something fine and special. The children behaved accordingly.
Perhaps this is simply a manifestation of my own lack of tolerance, but I think there's a lesson there. Kids test limits. A kid with the propensity toward being picky will use the dining table as a chance to test limits, if it occurs to them that's a option. How food is presented to them might just determine their view of opportunities along these lines. Even kids allowed to pass on specific dishes are unlikely to reject a Thanksgiving dinner. Why? Because it's presented to them as something special, wonderful and fine. They don't notice that the turkey is dry or the gravy is lumpy. Or if they do they eat it anyway, because it's special. And it's likely they'll grow up to be sentimental about it, regardless of grandma's cooking ability.
Every meal you have with your family is special. You can see to it that every dish on the table is wonderful and fine, even the simplest things. You can shape a child's perception of a meal. The French do it. So can you. I did it with stepsons eager to find new foods to reject. I couldn't work miracles, but those boys were thrilled to sit down to a plate of cabrito guisado because they knew damned well it was something wonderful, special and fine.
I have nieces who would disagree - they know What They Won't Eat. I've told them I disapprove, and they can keep it to themselves. If they want to be that way at home they're welcome to, but I'm not having any of it. They still excitedly come to visit, and fortunately we can all agree when it comes to Cantonese food. Seems to run in the family.
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8 comments:
I used to be a fussy eater when I was a kid, and I totally grew out of it. I LOVE trying new foods and different cuisine. I think being a fussy eater is just a waste of time, I mean you have to eat for the rest of your life, so you might as well eat well, and not boring!
It's a phase many are eager to go through as kids. It's exciting: an early chance for self-definition based upon what you won't eat. Kind of like a budding punk rocker establishing their identity more on the basis of music they hate than what they love.
The difference is that one's taste in music can be very personal these days; most of us still dine with others as a social experience. And if you choose to have kids that social experience is important.
Not to mention that punk rock, as wonderful as the best of it was, was born of a rejection of how crappy Baby Boomer rock had become. I'm all for rejecting crappy food as well, but kids ought not be the taste makers in that arena. They're so easily distracted by fat, salt and white carbs. And too easily creeped out by truly good food. A parent's job is to educate the young, and part of that may just telling them when they're full of crap. Or better, not giving them the chance to voice such full of crap opinions, if it can be helped.
I'm strongly of the opinion that pandering to kids' tendency toward fussy tastes leads to harm in adulthood at the very least. At worst it can render them incapable of eating in social situations. They always have to put in a special order. That flies in LA, but not in most of the civilized world. No one loves a fusspot, unless they're rich enough to be considered eccentric. Even then...
Yes, many do grow out of it. Unfortunately many others become people I'd otherwise like, but have trouble dining with because they never grew out of it. Someone, when they were young, gave them the impression that it was OK to express themselves in such a manner.
And you know what? I don't think it is OK. I think it makes the killjoys, at best.
As one of those fussier siblings, I still have the foods I won't eat. Its a shorter list, and if I haven't given one a try in a while, I might taste. However, I just think there's plenty of other things worth eating, that I shouldn't have to eat what I don't like.
I also won't deny that the whole "fussy eater" thing has a lot to do with "how far can I push this limit" as a child. Apparenlty quite far. ;-)
Dear Anon,
I would never argue that some folks are more predisposed to find some foods more difficult than others. And I would never tell someone what they "should" eat. We all have preferences, and in some folks those preferences can be stronger than others. That's fine.
My point is that food phobias are often grounded in a child tasting (or even seeing) something, finding the food weird and displeasing, then deciding they're not going to eat it. What they're likely to find weird and whether they even have the option to avoid said item is purely cultural.
For example, I know many women who could not handle they texture of beans and mushrooms when they were girls. Some of them got over this when they grew into adulthood, some didn't. You don't see much of this among women who come from cultures where beans are part of most meals, however. It's just not an option. You don't meet too many Koreans who hate kimchi, just as you don't meet many Scandinavians who hate herring. Yet pickled cabbage and pickled fish are challenging foods by some measures. They might not be favorites of some from these cultures, but considering them weird or bad wasn't much of an option. Cheese is still considered disgusting in parts of Asia, yet you won't meet too many Europeans who feel that way about it. If you think about it, cheese is a pretty weird thing to eat.
Having one's own likes and dislikes is an early way one establishes one's identity. Food is part of that. But kids developing full blown food phobias that they may carry with them into adulthood is not a good thing in a world where social interaction involves shared meals. What do you do with someone who balks when invited to go out for sushi, Thai or Mexican? Someone who embarrasses the table with lengthy special orders? You don't invite them along next time. They end up suffering for a decision made as a child upon finding particularly strange and carrying it with them for the rest of their lives. A decision that the culture around their home dining table allowed them to build into part of their identity.
That's a pretty negative thing, in my view.
Cheese really is an odd thing to eat. I still love it though. And I never thought about the whole beans thing until you mentioned it JP, my whole family is Mexican so beans have pretty much been part of my food vocabulary since I was a kid.Every time someone told me they didn't like beans I thought it was strange, so I totally get what you're saying about people finding certain foods strange based on the culture they grew up with.
Thanks for underscoring my point, Angie!
Hey there! Decided to look up some of the scientific research I've come across on picky eaters, just to provide you with a "nature" perspective to counter your "nurture" hypotheses.
In my quest for the scientific papers, I came across a, yes, parenting magazine that had gathered a number of such articles together. I'm not saying I believe or disbelieve any of these, although the "avoidance of bitterness" study is particularly compelling. I think it holds water to theorize that potentially "dangerous" foods (mushrooms, seafood) are ones that young people avoid until they outgrow their extra-sensitive systems (I know, never a problem for us). But considering that folks may have GENETIC predisposition to bitter sensitivity -- and may be mismatched with parents who eat everything -- it could be just a sad fact that some people are born to be "killjoys". ;-)
Here's the link. Some food for thought, my dear brother:
http://www.parentingscience.com/picky-eaters.html
Love, your non-picky sib,
Maria
PS--For more info. on these studies, you might see if they're on PubMed.
Maria,
The avoidance of bitterness in children is well-documented. Seems to have an evolutionary basis. As does a child's predisposition toward sweets, simple carbs, salt and fat - all things hard to come by for most of human history and worth fighting for if one wants to survive. That's why, given the option, most kids would happily eat Mcdonalds every day, and wash it down with Coca-Cola.
I think we agree that might not be the best idea.
Throughout human history part of a parent's job has been to show young people what is and is not good to eat. I argue that today, when salty, fatty simple carbs are abundant and cheap that education is more important than ever.
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